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The Only Thing You Can Control In Your Life

The most important part of life, and the only part of life that we can truly control is our perception. We may have influence over other parts of our life, but the only thing we have 100% control over is how we choose to perceive the events of our lives.

What I’ve learned in my many years of surviving in this world; full of challenges, pain and let downs is that you may have been victimized in the past, but who you ARE is not a victim. You are not broken. But, maybe there’s some work to do on yourself.

You can be victimized… it happens every day. And the key is to be aware of that, understand it and slowly but surely turn your victimization into a victory. It can happen in time and with support but not all at once.

Be patient, treat yourself with kindness and compassion but dig deep, find your power and courage and do the work!

And please know that no matter what happened “to” you – it wasn’t your fault. You do not need to blame yourself. Bring it to your awareness and do everything you can to forgive yourself and anyone involved. It’s the only way.

Of course this is a different process when it involves serious harm you’ve endured either emotionally or physically. I don’t mean to make light of anyone that has gone through any serious trauma.

For those of us who were not victims of serious abuse, it’s easy to play the victim and a lot of people out there will try to convince you that it’s easier to blame other people for the circumstances of your life. One of the reasons it’s easy to be a victim is because you give away the responsibility of the outcome and circumstances of your life to some other person or situation.

As a victim, we tell ourselves that it’s not our fault; it’s the Government’s fault, or our significant other’s fault, or our friend’s fault or our parents’ fault. If you really get creative, you can imagine a whole range of people to blame for your life. It’s human, we all do it.

Here is the honest truth…YOU are the one making the choices in your life. YOU have the free will and ability to choose to be happy and fulfilled in all the areas of your life. YOU get to decide how you feel about everything that happens to you.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably made a mistake or two in your life (or dozens!). For a long time it was easy to blame people for the outcome. When things didn’t go the way I wanted them too I would just make it someone else’s fault. What a cop out!

But, I started to learn differently. With the help of many friends, my coaches, lots and lots of books, seminars, courses and workshops, I began to take accountability for my actions and started to look inside before I looked outside myself for things that made me happy or sad.

I began to learn how to take my power back. I began to see that the way we thrive is by making our inner world stronger than the outer world. This realization for me created a huge shift in my life. I began to feel less angry, lonely, hopeless and sad all the time! I was good at faking it and on the outside and it looked like I was loving life. On the inside I was feeling so sorry for myself all the time! And that made me very unhappy.

The key is to remember that we have a choice and if we realize that this is the truth, it can begin to create the most powerful shifts in our lives as we regain control instead of being a victim to the people and the world around us.

You can begin to take your power back from people, groups and anything else that says you are powerless. You are already powerful but you have to choose to be in your power and to step up.

It took me some time to learn to take and assume responsibility for my life. Once I did, everything changed. I was happier, the small things didn’t irritate me and I began to make courageous decisions and I am now finally seeing my dreams coming true!

I also realized that I had control over my emotional eating and stopped eating junk food in my bed every night watching Netflix! I sleep better at night and my relationships in every area of my life have improved. I’m a better Mom, friend, colleague, entrepreneur and best of all I’m beginning to like myself a little more! I have learned to stop believing and giving power to that annoying little critical voice in my head that always told me that I wasn’t good enough. I’m not perfect and never intend to be but I’m loving the journey!

Things may have happened in your past that you have no control over. However, what you do have control over is how you respond to those events. Do you want to let those people or events get the best of you, or do you want to rise to the occasion, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and say, “I got this!”?

You may not have been able to control what happened in the past, but you have 100% control over what you choose to believe and as a result where you go from here.

I am here to help in any way I can!

Call or email me with questions. I love hearing from you! 905-933-6880 – hilary@hilarycaters.com

Your biggest supporter,
Hilary

By Hilary Caters No comments yet

The Reason Most People Don’t Get What They Want

I’m not sure if you really, truly know this but you CAN get what you want; whatever you want. Whether that be in your career, your love life, your business, your health, your relationships, your spirituality, etc, etc. You can get more than what you have right now. You can accomplish more than you’ve ever achieved up to this day. You can be more ambitious, in control and powerful…way more than you’ve ever imagined.

And I promise you, it’s not as hard as you would think.

However, there’s something important you have to know and understand first. One of my mentors told me; “If you are not clear on what you truly desire, you’ll never get it. Not in a million years.”

Becoming crystal clear on what you want leads to power and power is the ability to do or act. The number one reason people don’t get what they want is that they don’t know or are not clear on exactly WHAT they want.

Most of the people I serve, when I ask them about their goals or their vision for what they most want in life, they really don’t know and are kind of vague with their answer. Once I really ask the right questions to make them think about it, it finally gets clear and specific. Getting clear on what you want is the most important first step. We can all get there with a little honesty, deep digging and the right person pulling the answers out of them!

It took me years to realize this myself. I was so sure I wanted what “everybody else” wanted. Or worse, what I believed everyone else thought I should have or who they thought I should be; my parents, my husband at the time, any and all boyfriends, my brothers, society, the media, etc, etc.

I never once asked myself “What do I want to do with my life?” I always followed someone else’s advice or lead or believed (falsely) that I had expectations to live up to outside of me. Apparently, I didn’t trust myself enough to decide for myself. Even writing this makes me want to puke! I can’t believe that was me. I feel like I’m writing about someone else.

Once I finally became aware of this self defeating behaviour and limiting belief,  I found myself well into my 40s unhappy, unfulfilled, unsupported and absolutely not living my true purpose. I was always living out someone else’s dreams. I’m telling you right now, it’s not worth it! Once I started to admit to myself that this was my pattern, that was my spiral downward. Which I look at today as a good thing. I needed to bring it all to my awareness, acknowledge it, forgive myself and let it go!

I decided it was time to start living my life the way I wanted to live it. I’m giving you permission right here and now to be selfish! And I’m not talking about forgetting about everyone and everything and shutting yourself off from the world; your people still need you! I’m talking about taking a good look inside and deciding what you want, what you really want; without considering too many outside influences that mean well but can’t know what you want.

The second reason people don’t get what they want is that they don’t know WHY they want it. Your why is critical because it is the reason you want what you want! Your why is the motivation  and the emotion behind your WHAT. Without that emotion there is no energy to take inspired, purposeful and courageous action and make the changes necessary to achieve what you want.

So the two big questions you have to ask yourself are: 1) “What do I want?” and 2) “Why do I want it?”

Since answering these question myself, I’m now always focused and dedicated to walk my path… and my path alone. Whatever distractions and roadblocks come my way, I can swat them away or smash them to the ground because I am clear and emotionally connected to my why. My why gives me the guts and fortitude to overcome and push through the challenges. It feels so powerful!

I can now be ambitious, brave, driven and certain in my decisions with zero self-doubt. I know what I want, and I know what I need to do to get it done. And nothing can stop me.

Answering these questions also changed my life on a personal level. I trust myself now. I learned how to follow my heart and my instincts. I’m no longer angry and depressed anymore. Gone are the days when I would rather go to bed and sleep my worries away. Instead, I wake up with a ton of energy because of how excited I am to conquer each day.

My thoughts and actions are no longer based on scarcity and lack like it used to for most of my life. That was a huge shift for me!

Have you ever noticed how even if you have good, well-meaning, well-thought-out, and well-planned goals, this self-sabotage mechanism convinces us to stay safe and average, and makes us believe that anything that may lead to success and greatness as risky and unsafe?

So we end up wanting, hoping, and even praying for a better life…

But it never happens for us because our conscious thoughts and actions run away from it, against our will. And even when we do try our hardest, we somehow find ways to shoot ourselves in the foot. This was me exactly! And it’s normal and it doesn’t mean you’ll never succeed and get what you want. You will if you just become aware of your inner, deepest most limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck in this never ending loop of self-sabotage.

Forgive yourself. These downward spirals have been cemented in your conscious mind for a long time and are deeply rooted. Most of us don’t even know we have these thoughts. Once you do know, everything will change.

You may not know this yet or perhaps you already know it deep in your gut but you are meant for great things. I’m not saying this lightly; I believe it’s 100% true. I’m not talking about destiny, fate, or predetermination. I’m not a big fan of the stars and the mystical stuff.

But what I am a big fan of, is, action. Specifically, massive aligned inspired and purposeful action. Action that takes you forward to your hopes and dreams.

You don’t have to be special, famous, rich, or talented to do great things. As long as you’re taking action toward your greatest, most authentic purpose.

My goal is to help you get clear on your what and why and then give you the guidance and tools one exactly how to take the right kind of action to get whatever it is that you want in your life.

I am working on creating workshops and support groups to get you the results you want! And I also offer one-on-one coaching. My goal and passion is to help you to: eliminate self-doubt and unlock the confidence, inner-power, and success that’s waiting for you, to feel connected to your inner power and begin to trust your intuition, love and appreciate yourself (no matter what), defeat negative self-talk, make decisions with clarity and courage, free yourself from inner blocks and limiting beliefs, stop anxiety and overwhelm from sabotaging your success, be the best version of you (whatever that vision is for you) and to shine your light and live your life’s purpose!

Here’s the truth. You have full control over your choices in life. It’s time to believe that you can take inspired and courageous action to get the life you want; the life you never thought you could have.

Please let me know if you’re interested in attending workshops or working with me one-on-one and I’ll keep you in the loop on times, dates and locations for group workshops.

And I always love your feedback, so please email me with any questions or comments or if any of this resonated with you in any way!

Sending you all my support,
Hilary

hilary@hilarycaters.com

By Hilary Caters 1 Comment

Is This Bad Habit Keeping You Stuck

There is one bad habit human beings have that hold them back from living the life they want – and it’s something that we all have in one form or another.

What is this dream blocking bad habit?

It’s the need to be right.

Imagine how free your life would be if you didn’t need to be right?

What if you didn’t need to be right in disagreements? What if you didn’t need the last word? What if you didn’t need to get other people on board with how you think things should be? What if you could give up the need to be right?

So much time and precious energy is wasted on the need to be right.

Human beings have an addiction to being right.

The question is, why?

The survival programming in us believes that if we admit we are wrong, then we will die.

It sounds insane when it’s put that way, but it’s true.

Think about the last disagreement or argument you had… and be honest, did you need to be right?

Did you need to have the last word? Did you really listen, or did you wait for your turn to speak and interject your opinion and manipulate the facts so that you were “right.”

Being right – when that need is there… and you are triggered… is never operating from a place of true power.

The need to be right is the need of the limbic survival system.

What if you didn’t need to be “right” in the eyes of others?

What if you could win an argument by allowing the other person to be “right”?

What if you could simply listen to what others have to say and attempt to step into their experience and understand it, even if you don’t agree with it?

You can understand how and why someone feels the way they do without agreeing with them.

And, a funny thing happens when you simply listen to someone and empathize with their experience (which is not the same thing as agreeing)…

The fight tends to end.

The disagreement tends to die down. The tension goes away.

How can you do this?

First, calm yourself down.

Go for a walk.

Meditate.

Take a yoga class.

Calm down your nervous system.

Then, set your intention to simply listen to whomever you are in a disagreement with.

Get curious about their experience without agreeing or trying to fix anything.

Ask questions about why they feel this way and try to get to the underlying emotion.

Then, repeat back what you heard them say… using their words and ask if you missed anything.

They may clarify and share more… then reflect that back.

This simple listening exercise… and surrendering the need to be right will create positive change in all your relationships.

You don’t need to fix them. You don’t need to fix the problem. You don’t need to be right.

Just listen.

Set your intention to understand. Get curious. Ask questions. Dive deeper. Reflect back what you heard.

And – you can understand how someone is feeling…. without agreeing with them.

And, you can agree they feel and believe what they do, without agreeing with the conclusions they’ve come to about why they feel that way.

They are their own person.

And so are you.

Needing to be right is a strategy that will leave you alone… and without any meaningful relationships.

Cultivating an ability to listen and empathize is a master skill when it comes to be successful in love and in life.

Please reach out to me if there is any way I can support you on your journey to living the life you know you are meant to live.

And I always want to know what is specifically keeping you stuck in a negative mindset and is holding you back from shining your light on a world that so desperately needs it. The more I hear from you, the better I can provide you with any guidance you may require in this often confusing and uncertain world we live in.

I am so honoured that we are connected and I truly hope I can continue to serve you as you build your dream life!

So please email me anytime! hilary@hilarycaters.com

Sending you lots of love and support,
Hilary

By Hilary Caters No comments yet

The Best Life Lesson Ever

“Life is simple. Everything happens FOR you, not TO you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment; neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie

This quote is my favourite ever. My last few years have been kind of interesting. I haven’t experienced anything super traumatic or horrific. But when a few difficult things started happening all at once, I became a little overwhelmed. It allowed me to pay attention to my thoughts and what was going on inside of my messy, monkey brain.

Why Meeeeee?

For most of my life, I was on autopilot; out there trying to do my best, wanting to prove my worth to the world, looking for validation, love and happiness from other people and my circumstances. I believed that we met people for a reason and things happened to us for a reason. I still believe that is true but I used to put a different meaning on it. I used to believe that we met people so that we could have friends to support us, strong business connections and romantic relationships to fulfill our lives and make us feel loved, useful and wanted. I used to believe that we worked hard in school and in our careers to prove to people that we were capable and important. I used to believe that circumstances happened because stuff happens to everyone and that life was hard and that sometimes it wasn’t fair and would often think, why me? Why is this happening to me?

Because You’re Human, Duh

After a few years of things happening TO me, I began to shift my thinking around the fact that maybe it was all happening FOR me. I didn’t come to that conclusion easily. It took a few moments of hitting rock bottom, reaching out for help, getting some therapy and reading a lot of self-help books.

It wasn’t a ‘one day I woke up and had an epiphany’ moment. I wish! It has been an ongoing journey. What has begun to shift for me is; instead of feeling sorry for myself and thinking ‘Why is this happening to me?’ ‘Life is so unfair!’, ‘People are hurtful’, ‘How could they do that to me??’ and of course ‘How dare they!!’ Maybe I was causing my own pain with my own thoughts and false beliefs about why life happens the way it does.

I figured there had to be a better way. I was so sick of myself! I was tired of living like I was a victim of this horrifying painful world full of people who leave you and let you down and nothing ever turning out the way you want it to. It was exhausting. Luckily things got bad enough that I had no choice but to desperately want to find that better way.

I don’t think we have to hit rock bottom to have this shift in perception. I wish I hadn’t hit rock bottom first, I think we can learn this lesson anytime.

Rock bottom is different for everyone…mine was simply not feeling like I’d done as much as I ‘shoulda coulda’ with my life. I was divorced, transitioning careers, caring for a widowed aging father and in a relationship with someone I loved very much but our logistics were very challenging causing some communication breakdowns. Stuff everyone goes through. And it’s only human that life can start getting to you you down, right? I figured I could stuck it up and keep plugging away.

The Universe kept knocking at my door. One day for a seemingly minor issue, I completely lost my cool, like embarrassingly lost my cool! I knew I needed help in that moment. I went to a psychiatrist that after half an hour of hearing my story, prescribed an anti-depressant. I filled the prescription, took one and panicked. I told the doctor I just couldn’t do it. It just didn’t feel right and I don’t judge it, it just wasn’t for me. So I turned to yoga, meditation and self help books. I was determined to take a good look inside, dig deep and find out what was really going on.

Not Quite There Yet, Hilary

Well things did improve, I’m happy to report. I developed a more positive outlook on why things happened and that I wasn’t the victim of my circumstances. I chose to be happy despite what was going on around me. I got my career back on track and decided to make my relationship work with the man I loved. That worked for a bit…but obviously the Universe wanted to make sure I really did shift my perception!

My Dad became very ill and I was looking after him full time, so career back on hold. Communications were breaking down in my relationship. I was a mess and I started to feel sorry for myself again. I believed that no one was there for me. I felt totally alone in all of this. My Dad passed away and my relationship ended and I had barely worked in six months. So I’m feeling all alone with no job and pushing 50! Ugh. I was angry and in my self pitying moments, I thought:

How dare you take my Dad away and leave me alone to deal with everything

How dare that I’m the only one that has to take care of everything because my brothers live far away.

How dare this all happen when I was just getting my career back on track!

How dare my boyfriend fight with me while I was going through this!

How dare my friends have lives!

How dare no one sees how much pain I’m in!

How dare no one knows how lonely this life is!

How dare the world let me down in so many ways!

This could have gotten ugly but I knew better than to go down this path. I knew none of this was true. It was my own thoughts getting in my way and making my pain and anger worse. I knew that it was my interpretation and beliefs about the situation that was causing my pain, not what was really happening. It was happening for me and there was no one or no thing to blame for any of it.

Choose A New Way of Looking At It

I accepted that I was angry and feeling sorry for myself. I forgave myself for it but only when I acknowledged the anger and pain. I had to really embraced it in order to move through it. Maybe the world wasn’t really out to get me??

I lost my Dad. However he was very sick and unhappy that he couldn’t live like he used to and he was so lonely without my Mom. I was able to look back from a different perspective and believe that I did my best. I was there for him and I had no regrets. Instead of blaming the world for his illness. Instead of resenting the countless hours spent looking after him. Instead of believing that this all caused problems in my relationship and my career, I was able to look back and be grateful that I could be there for him. I can be grateful for the career interrupt, as I would still be doing something I didn’t love. And I no longer blamed my friends and boyfriend for not being there enough when my Dad was sick and passed away. I could genuinely let that go and know the truth is that my friends and boyfriend were there for me as best as they could be. They did their best for me because they love me and I could find gratitude for everyone who cared. And they actually do have their own lives and families to take care of! If feels good seeing the truth instead of talking yourself into negative belief patterns that aren’t based in reality.

I choose to believe that yes, people come into your life for a reason and things happen to you for a reason but it’s not a punishment; the world is not out to get you. Sometimes it’s just about not judging the moment and not putting your own meaning on it. Shift your perception to look at these life challenges from a higher perspective.

I believe that the Universe has plans for you that may not seem like what you want or need at the time, but believing things are happening for you, sure does make life more bearable. Look for the gift in everything and if you can’t find it, one day you’ll realize that everything happens for you and not to you.

By Hilary Caters No comments yet